I visit Safeway three times a week, looking for her. She always used to be there in the evenings, but maybe she switched schedules. I show up at various times throughout the day trying to catch her, but she is not there.

Grocery shopping becomes a terrifying experience. She isn't there this time, but what if she is next time? The uncertainty keeps my nerves taut. Every time I need some milk or a snack I have to make sure I'm dressed ok, I have to run through my lines and make sure I have something to say if she's there. But she isn't. Day after day, she isn't, and the constant roller-coaster ride of fear, excitement, and disappointment turns me into a nervous wreck.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. I go through the checkout line and ask the middle-aged checker woman if Miriam still works here. Her reaction to my question is baffling. Her face goes white, and she glances around nervously. "Uh...um...no," the woman sputters. "Miriam doesn't work here anymore."

I persist. "Did she quit, or get fired or something?"

The woman swallows hard and glances around again. I can see sweat beading on her forehead. "N-no, not exactly but..." She looks up at the two-way mirrors that hide the manager's office, then looks back at me. "I'm not supposed to talk about it. I'm sorry." And with that she starts ringing up the next person's groceries.