Do you want to spread rumors and lies about Burning Building.com?
Do you want to be a Sandwich-Board Man?
Do you want to wear a badge because you flunked Boy Scouts?
Give something back to society.
Post one of these fine BURNINGBUILDING logos on
your website, blog, or Myspace profile.
Insert this HTML into your page somewhere:
Or if you want a larger/resizable style:
Insert this HTML into your page
somewhere:
<a style="text-decoration: none" href="http://www.burningbuilding.com">
<img src="http://www.burningbuilding.com/Images/burningbuildinglogolarge.gif"></a>
Now, for your Googling pleasure, the entire website in regular text....
(You probably want to ignore this...)
Hi guys. Look. It’s our 75th Issue ever. And look. Burning Building got a makeover. Don’t laugh--when you’re 75 issues old you’re going to want “a little work done” too. So...75th, is that the “Golden” Anniversary? No, it looks like 50 is the Golden. So then what precious metal does Burning Building get for surviving 75 issues? I guess Platinum would be next, but I refuse to use it because platinum, “white gold”, and all the other “precious metals” that look exactly like steel are what is known in metallurgy as Total B.S Metals. No, no platinum for Burning Building.com. My 75th anniversary is to be a....a....Two-Tone Turkey Anniversary.
Ahh, the Two-Tone Turkey of my youth. One half is dark meat. One half is white meat. It’s mechanically separated two-tone gold!
I took a CPR class today for my new job. Here's how you perform CPR. First, you ask them if they are alive. If yes, you start by tilting their head back and breathing into their mouth. If they remain unconscious, you "bare the chest", and push on the bare chest at "the nipple line". Instructor is very firm on the "bare" part. The chest must be bare to administer CPR. Everyone grins a little, of course, because of the obvious giggly scenarios of giving CPR to a woman. But you figure, well, so you can see her bra, no big deal right? You're busy saving her life, right? But no, that's not good enough. The instructor pulls out a curved length of wire and asks, do you know what this is? It's an underwire from a bra. This might cut the woman's chest when you're applying pressure. Clearly, you must remove the bra as well. So, now we're leaning over this woman, passionately locking lips while firmly massaging her completely bare breasts. What 14 year old male doctor designed this method? Also interesting: Never deny someone CPR on the assumption that they're dead. You never know if they are really dead. Always administer CPR. However, if the victim is completely decapitated, you may refrain. They stressed completely decapitated. If the head is still attached in some way.....second base is all yours
I recently had some difficulty canceling a service I had signed up for, and after I finally convinced the customer service representative that I really did want to cancel, she promptly transferred me to a completely unrelated branch of her company, which wanted to sell me an “Identity Theft Protection System”. In his monotone, reading-from-a-conversation-flowchart voice, this new character assured me that Identity Theft is the number one fraud crime in America today. I told him I really wasn’t very concerned about identity theft and I didn’t want to pay for protection from it. He reminded me that Identity Theft is the number one fraud crime in the world today. I told him I have no credit, I have no cash, I have no prizes. No one is going to steal my identity. No one would want my identity. I don’t even want my identity. I think he felt bad then, because he let me go.
A few days ago I watched the film Igby Goes Down, which I hated, and the very next day, The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, which I loved. I realized that Jeff Goldblum was in both films, that I had just watched two Goldblum films in a row, and I thought hey, I should call my friends and have a Jeff Goldblum marathon!
...Then I thought about it a little more, and reconsidered. But speaking of Igby Goes Down and supercillious New York blue-bloods who spout pretentious dialogue with brows arched past their hairlines, it’s been a while since we’ve heard from the man who puts the “Space” in “Blue Blood”, (and then crosses out the “blood”), our friend Mr. Blue Space.
Well it...looks nice on you. Very flattering. So, Payne’s Grey Space, I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with. As you may have noticed, Burning Building.com is being entirely overrun by the teenage hordes from Relient K.
MUCH LIKE BYZANTIUM WAS OVERRUN BY THE VISIGOTH HORDES FROM GERMANY, RIGHT?
See that’s exactly the kind of highbrow chianti-talk that we need to save our empire! But I’m getting ahead of myself. Our problem here is that for every 1 respectable citizen who starts reading us, 20 illiterate mouth-breathers latch on to us, which means our readership is becoming seriously tilted toward the mouth-breathers, which means the respectable citizens will be scared away, which means I’ll have to be submitted to more comments like these (actual) ones:
It’s not that I want to drive the young people off, (they are afterall “the buying demographic”....mmm...discretionary income...) it’s that I want to attract more...not-so-young people. You know, learn-ed types who can spell words with more than one letter (u ppl know who u r) and who can maybe forward this site to a major media conglomorate and save me from my impoverished eXistenZ. So give me some more good chianti-talk, Blue Space, let’s get our asses on NPR.
EXACTLY, I WILL USE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE. PREPARE FOR A STRATOSPHERIC BROW-LIFT COURTESY OF MY LATEST WORK, ENTITLED “SMRTTIMEfinadrft3.psd” THE CHABLIS THE ESCARGOT AND THE CHABLIS I FORGOT TO LEAVE THE IRON ON VOID, ANNOYED, OVERJOYED, UNDEREMPLOYED, ANABOLIC STEROID...YOU TOYED WITH MY HEART LIKE A CAT TOYS WITH A POUCH OF CATNIP... SHAPED LIKE A HEART United States foreign policy is both driven and constrained by the needs and goals of our domestic economy. just like you, stupid jerkface girl
...Yeah...I don’t know if that’s going to do the trick, Blue Space....It kind of raised and lowered the site’s brow simultaneously. Which probably makes it “uni-brow”, and that’s never a good thing.... Of course, I did write a new story today. Literature. Smart people love literature, right?
YES. ALTHOUGH, ISN’T THE TITLE OF YOUR STORY “I AM A ZOMBIE AND I FEEL LOVE”?
......right. Well, there’s always next issue, I guess. Until then....(sigh)....relient k r0x0rz...